The Lies We Tell Ourselves
by TC Stark
Summary: Dean and Benny can lie to themselves and to each other, but Castiel knows what really happened in Purgatory. He knows why Dean continues to see Benny. And why he will never love the angel. Castiel POV. BennyxDean. Unrequited love. Mentioned Megstiel. Angsty Destiel. Rated M for Mature.


TC Stark: I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything, so I wanted to shake the dust off my fingers! I've been on a major Benny kick lately, so this story was just inspired by his and Dean's relationship, told though through Castiel's eyes. Because well, it's Castiel. And I love that little bastard. Anyway, this is really short and is just a lot of thoughts and mentions, nothing explicit. And just think perhaps one F-bomb. So, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any character. I don't own Dean, Castiel, or Benny. Or even Meg, who I mentioned once or twice here.

Sometime, it really bothered Castiel to hear Dean and Benny talk about how _pure_ they thought purgatory was. They spoke of the place as if it were some popular theme park that human families frequented with their children. As if every day there was a struggle for survival. An angel in a land of abominations, was no paradise island. For him, being in hell would have been an easier endeavor.

Benny and Dean lied to each other. They lied to themselves. How could a land be so pure, when all they were doing was killing? Perhaps the two were proper psychopaths and Castiel had just never noticed it about the Winchester. Perhaps it was what he needed to continue living. Why else even would the hunter even believe that he wasn't strong enough to pull the angel through the veil?

Truthfully, though; Castiel was even lying to himself. His disdain for the vampire wasn't because of what he was. The angel had found himself reserving a special place in his nonexistent heart for Meg and she was a demon. Being a subhuman was not the reason why he disliked Benny, though it was the only story he could convey that would make sense.

"You alright, Hot Wings?"

Castiel looked up from his paper just to see Benny staring at him. It was bad enough that the vampire had remained friends with Dean, but now the Winchester was starting to bring him out on hunts. Sam wasn't happy about it either, but considering the abomination had saved the younger brother, his arguments were no longer validated.

Not responding, Castiel's mind began to wander back to those nights in purgatory. It was a strange place. Stranger for Dean and him, than Benny. They weren't supposed to be there. It wasn't like Heaven or Hell. The human and vampire still needed to sleep, the Winchester still needed to eat, and there were some nights that were so cold even he felt a chill inside.

But, there was something very vivid that Castiel remembered about that place.

" _Why did you allow the vampire to do that to you?"_

 _Benny had gone out in search of information that next day, leaving Castiel and Dean alone. It had been a few months and the angel was starting to have serious doubts that the vampire even knew where the veil was. Not that he was going to go with them if and when they found it. It was all the hunter could talk about, but how could he possibly understand the need for the angel to do penance?_

 _Dean worked his jaw. The Winchester always had a way of attempting to look stoic, to behave in a way he deemed...manly. Never mind the fact that Castiel had seen him cry before. Seen him broken down and at his worst. After thinking there was no hope during the apocalypse, after what happened to Lisa, or even after the death of Bobby Singer. They had been through so much, yet sometimes the human still felt a need to put up a front._

 _Perhaps, it was because this was unknown territory for Dean. Being raised by a military man, having been a self proclaimed ladies man for so long; it engrained certain stigmas in a man's mind. Castiel didn't understand any of it. It was so hard for humanity to understand that God and angels were utterly indifferent to sexual orientation._

" _Are you going to help or not?" Dean demanded._

 _Castiel ground his teeth, before stating, "I shouldn't. Maybe you would learn your lesson."_

" _You're really shitty for making me feel guilty about this."_

" _I wouldn't have to, if you stopped willingly allowing yourself to be hurt," Castiel snorted, "It's like you need it to be harmful, or else you wouldn't feel anything on the inside."_

 _Dean growled, "Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Good for you, now can you please help?"_

 _Castiel's eyes casted downwards, knowing Dean was in pain. Benny had delivered a particularly rough fucking that night. The angel could hear the Winchester howling in pain. Begging for more. They all knew he had cried. But, the human was so broken, so self-loathing that he needed it to hurt. He needed himself broken, to be punished, so to even feel like a person again._

" _I don't understand," Castiel murmured, "Why do you make an exception for him...but not me?"_

 _Dean frowned at this. It had been a while since they had approached this topic. At the time, the human argued it was because he only liked women. A lot of that still held true. The hunter couldn't imagine himself with another man. Benny felt like one, but didn't at the same time. As it it didn't register that he was being pounded by a thick cock. Or maybe it was just a singular, mutual benefit. Not like the vampire had gotten any in the past fifty years._

 _Sighing, the hunter explained, "Cas...you're family. You're my brother."_

" _You call_ him _brother."_

" _It's just the way we talk, Benny has a funny way of talking," Sighing, Dean tried to get the angel to understand him, "Cas...what about Meg? You seemed all gaga for her at one point."_

 _Castiel looked away, as he grumbled, "I can love two people. I'm sorry your human mind cannot comprehend that."_

 _Dean frowned and muttered, "No need to insult me."_

 _With a deep sigh, the angel nodded and relented, "You're right. Forgive me. It has been hard for me in here."_

" _I know, and I'm here for you." Dean reassured, gripping Castiel's shoulder._

 _Letting a big gulp slide down his throat, Castiel nodded and did what he always did - help Dean. Admittedly, it had been a little awkward at first, considering the area that the angel needed to heal. At that point though, it was like an everyday routine. Part of him wanted to not help out of spite, to show Benny he could just use the hunter like a ragdoll. Bite marks everywhere, dried blood in unwanted areas; would it have killed the vampire to be gentler?_

"Cas?"

Dean's voice interrupted Castiel's daydreaming, turning back towards the hunter. He and Sam were coming back from inside a gas station. It occurred to him that everyone was looking at him. It didn't surprise him. Quite often, the humans he surrounded himself with looked at him oddly. For some reason, though; this was the first time it truly bothered him.

Blue eyes temporarily looking over at Benny, Castiel looked back at a wondering Dean before folding up the newspaper, "We should go. No use in standing around...won't change anything."

To Sam, it was just the case that Castiel was talking about. With a saddened frown, Dean nodded in understanding, "Yea...let's go."


End file.
